April232013
March192013
September122012

Older Men

I constantly find myself falling for guys older than myself. There is an air of confidence in them that I find undeniable and it seems that there is something in me that interests them too. My favorite teachers in recent years have continued to be male. Their female counterparts have treated me badly or paid me no mind at all. The male teachers have congratulated me on success and believed in my ability to do great things. They’re continued to make me feel appreciated and wanted for many years.

Today my adviser for internship enforced that idea yet again. I have tried to pride myself on my sense of humor and the fact that in many situations it has saved me from humiliation and awkward pauses. This attractive, but of course married professor said, and I quote, “You make me laugh Felicia.” Well thank you sir. I’m glad that someone as confused and likely insecure as I could put a bright and sweet smile on your face day after day. Laughter, I hope, will be the thing that gets me what I want out of life, in a man and maybe even in my career.

Anyways I just wanted to express how moments like that can mean something big for me. Especially because I didn’t have an older man figure in my life to tell me that I was great. I am such a psych major…

I think the reason I like those men so much is just that, they are men and not boys. They’re also usually very attractive and in their late twenties/thirties/forties even. I will likely marry someone 10 years older than me. I like that idea…

Thanks for reading this blab.

July142012

Femininity

When we are little our girl babies are gifted with pink clothes and clothes that are of a lighter shade in general. Women are expected to fit into this stereotype of what a female “should” be. Meaning that women should be weaker compared to men and hold less power compared to men because men are told that their role is to support women.  

It’s hard for women to gain power and be in places of power because men dominate most fields with power. Then when a woman wants to dominate the identity that they are strong they are considered a bitch. If a man calls someone out for something they have done they are commended on their ability to assert their power and for their ability to show dominance.

I think I have always subconsciously struggled with that idea myself. I never understood why Hillary Clinton was such a powerful influence for some people, but going through the process that I have gone though it is so other worldly in the sense that I can now see what I couldn’t before. Hilary Clinton is deemed a “bitch” because she isn’t a woman who focuses on her appearance and she doesn’t seem inferior when it comes to topics concerning issues within government. Hillary is a woman who, to me, seems like she will not accept bullshit from ANYONE. That is so powerful for me because growing up I wanted to, if I didn’t actually do it, be powerful and gain respect from elders and students

It leads me to comparing her to the other imagine of a women that we’re forced to see as well. There are women like Sarah Palin. When I think of Sarah Palin the first assumption that comes to my mind is that she is “stupid.” That is 100% untrue and it’s important that I check myself on that idea. I think that because someone displayed an area of ignorance at one point that they must be inferior when it comes to education is not the correct idea. It is an assumption and it generalizes someone’s intelligence level. Sarah Palin was displayed as woman with longer hair and a woman who wore skirts. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, was displayed as a woman with shorter hair and a woman who wore dress pants. Which of the two were discriminated against for being a woman? Both of them, but in very different ways. Palin, in my eyes, was seen as more tolerable because there was an air of femininity to her. Clinton was slandered because men felt she was too powerful in the sense that she knew and felt she had an air of power.

I personally struggle with being feminine because I grew up in a household where my mother was my main care giver and through her I only saw strength and individuality that never seemed out of place to me. I wasn’t forced to wear skirts and dresses because I was into sports. The person that I had to follow around was an older male. In order to follow in his footsteps I wore gym shorts, played soccer, played basketball and I didn’t feel that I was feminine. I identified as a tomboy and I had NO problem with that.

The tomboy nature that I have started troubling me when I began to see that around me teenage girls that had the Sarah Palin-esk personality were the ones that received attention from boys and it made me feel like I had to be like them. I felt like I had to dumb myself down so they would offer to help me. The attention that they received that I didn’t gave me the idea that there was something wrong with me and I needed to be fixed. I didn’t understand being different. I hated being different and then when trying to be feminine I struggled with figuring out how to go about that because I didn’t feel like I had a good enough example of that type of girl/woman. My main female influence was hard-working and instilled the idea that you can’t spend your time being inferior you have to show how great you are because when they see how great you are you’ll receive what you deserve.

I still struggle with femininity. I don’t understand what it really means to me. I fell like I still have the idea that I must back off of being dominant if I want to find someone. It’s troubling because I should find someone who wants me for who I am. I feel as though I have to be feminine to fit in.

Page 1 of 1